


Finally Feeling

by AdorabloodthirstyKitty



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Addiction, Depression, Feelings Jams, Flush Crush, Heartbreak, M/M, More tags to be added as story progresses, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-02
Updated: 2015-09-10
Packaged: 2017-12-22 04:31:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/908950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdorabloodthirstyKitty/pseuds/AdorabloodthirstyKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gamzee Makara has been in a state of bliss since he became addicted to sopor, but when he's rejected by his long-time flush crush, he is finally pulled from his high and forced to feel for the first time in sweeps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Broken Bliss

AT: i THINK IT WOULD BE BETTER,

AT: iF WE WERE, jUST FRIENDS,

Your fingers freeze over the keyboard of your husktop, your breathing hitches. You stare unblinking at the beautiful brown text you'd come to love over the sweeps, that particular shade of chocolate making your bloodpusher soar and a real smile settle on your face. You read over the two lines, again and again, but they don't make sense. You're scared, and you don't know what's happening. You suddenly feel like a wiggler again, standing on the beach as you cry for your lusus because you can't swim. You know he's there, but he never answers, never acknowledges you as you curl up on the sand, alone and scared and heartbroken.  


You feel a shuddered breathe pass through your air sacs and out of your mouth, and feel hollow, empty, except for a pressure in your ribcage that won't go away, as if something's squeezing your bloodpusher. You don't realize that you're shaking, that your mouth is open and your lungs are screaming for air as your breathing gets erratic. The only feeling is the pressure on your pusher and the hollowness in your bones, this terrible feeling of dread, of sheer horror. You don't move, no real thoughts in your pan except for those two lines on the screen. You can't make sense of them, but they echo in your skull, bouncing around and ringing in your aucular ducts but not making a lick of sense in your pan.

You have never been this aware of your own thoughts and feelings since wigglerhood. You are feeling for the first time in sweeps, and it's the worst fucking thing in the universe. You suddenly crave the blissful nothingness of sopor and think about making a few dozen pies. But you can't move.

Suddenly a flash draws your attention back to the present, and you realize that your husktop is still in your lap, and that someone is pestering you. The light in your hive has changed, the pink moon out of your vision as the green one's light filters in. You don't know how long you've been sitting here, trying to make sense of the feelings in your body and the words bouncing around in your pan, but you remember the pink moon was still up, so it must have been a few hours at least. Your eyes wander back to the chat that has opened up on your screen, grey text engulfing and smothering out the brown as your pale bro gets his rant on. You watch the lines fill your screen, not focusing on the actual letters so much as the quickness in which the grey words fill the chat log. You realize, a little late, that you should probably get your read on instead of staring at the screen fill up with grey, so you do.

carcinoGeneticist  [CG]  began pestering terminallyCapricious  [TC]

CG: ARE YOU THERE, YOU SLIME-GUZZLING BULGEMUNCH?  


CG: HELLO??

CG: FUCK, GAMZEE PLEASE ANSWER ME

CG: TAVROS PESTERED ME AND TOLD ME YOU HAVEN'T RESPONDED TO HIM IN HOURS

CG: AT LEAST, I THINK THAT'S WHAT HE SAID

CG: HE WAS USING A LOT MORE COMMAS THEN USUAL, AND SEEMED TO BE PRETTY FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT YOU

CG: GAMZEE?

CG: ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

CG: GAMZEE, PLEASE. YOU ARE SERIOUSLY FREAKING ME OUT

CG: DO YOU EVEN HAVE YOUR HUSKTOP WITH YOU?

CG: I SWEAR TO ALL OF YOUR SHIT-EATING MIRACLE CLOWN GODS THAT I WILL WALK MY STUPID ASS TO YOUR GOGDAMN HIVE AND BEAT YOU WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING CLUBS IF YOU'RE JUST SPACING OUT AGAIN

TC: sorry best friend i'm all up and here

CG: GAMZEE? WHY ARE YOU TYPING LIKE THAT? ARE YOU ALRIGHT??

TC: to be all up and honest, i don't really know what i'm feelin  


TC: my pusher feels like it's bein squeezed  


TC: i think i'm dyin

CG: WHAT?? OH GOD OH FUCK WHAT HAPPENED? DID YOU GO OUT INTO THE OCEAN AGAIN AND GET ATTACKED? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

TC: i don't rightfully know brother  


TC: i remember sittin here, talkin at my tavbro

TC: and then

TC: ...

TC: i don't know

CG: FUCK

CG: ALRIGHT THAT'S IT I'M COMING TO YOUR HIVE

CG: I'LL BE THERE IN A COUPLE HOURS AT MOST

CG: DO *NOT* MOVE

CG: OR DO ANYTHING STUPID

CG: I'LL BE RIGHT THERE

carcinoGeneticist  [CG]  ceased pestering terminallyCapricious  [TC]

You rest your hands on the keyboard, staring at the grey letters of the chat log, filling it like storm clouds and thick mist, swallowing up your purple and brown. You don't move for a while, but realize you should probably get your wait on for Karbro outside. You shut your husktop, putting it onto the floor as you stand and head toward the beach, making sure you got your clubs. The old goat wouldn't want you anywhere without em.

You walk out onto the beach, feeling the cold sand between your toes before realizing you didn't put shoes on. Oh well. You walk to the edge, so your toes can get all up and acquainted with the water lapping at the beach when you stretch them out. You lean back on your hands, staring out at the dark steely water as the green moon shines over everything, giving the horizon a sopor-hued glow. You sit, staring at the water and sky you've stared at for sweeps, and wait.


	2. Worry

You roll back to your husktop after rolling around the room for a while, which was kind of your way of pacing, since you couldn't really pace anymore. Karkat has sent another message.

CG: I'M ON MY WAY TO HIS HIVE TO CHECK ON HIM

CG: I TOLD HIM YOU WERE WORRIED BUT HE SOUNDED WEIRD

CG: HE WASN'T TYPING IN THAT MIGRAINE-INDUCING QUIRK OF HIS AND I'M NOT SURE IF I SHOULD BE RELIEVED OR REALLY FUCKING WORRIED

CG: I'LL BE AT HIS HIVE SOON SO I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S HAPPENING ONCE I GET THERE

AT: tHANKS kARKAT,

AT: i REALLY APPRECIATE IT,

CG: IT'S MY JOB TO LOOK OUT FOR MY MOIRAIL

CG: I JUST HOPE HE'S NOT FUCKING DYING

CG: DID I TELL YOU HE SAID HE THOUGHT HE WAS DYING?

CG: SHIT I NEED TO GET THERE QUICK

CG: I HOPE HE WASN'T SERIOUS

AT: mE TOO }:(

CG: I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING AS SOON AS I KNOW ALRIGHT?

CG: I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER TAVROS

AT: tHANKS AGAIN, kARKAT,

CG: NO PROBLEM

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering adiosToreador[AT]

You slump in your four-wheel device, unsure of what to do. You wish you could go with Karkat but it's impossible getting through sand in your chair. You decide to get in your coon and take a nap to waste some time, turning the volume up on your husktop and locking your wheels before you get undressed and pull yourself into the slime, your head sticking out because of your horns. You close your eyes as the sopor seeps into your body, leaving you almost calm as you close your eyes. The last thought on your mind before you fully drift off is "I hope Gamzee's alright." 


	3. Flushed

You open your eyes to the sound of Karkat yelling from a few feet away, his voice getting louder as he gets closer. "Goddammit Gamzee I've told you before not to fall asleep outside your hive! It's not fucking safe out here and you should know that by now!" You hear the slight crunch of his footsteps as he makes his way through the sand toward you before standing over you slightly, his eyebrows furrowed with worry. You give a small smile before greeting him, your voice quiet from not usin it. "Hey best friend." His shoulders slump a little, making him look a lot less angry and a lot more worried as he reaches his hands out to you. You grab them and pull yourself up before heading back into your hive, Karbro following close behind. You can feel his eyes on you, searching you for something as you close the door.

"What happened?" he asks immediately.

You don't look him in the eye, hoping you can avoid this conversation. "What do ya mean, brother?"

"Don't give me that shit Gamzee," he says evenly. Karkat has never taken your shit, and that was one of the reasons you'd gotten so close. You were lucky to have a pale bro like him.

"Come on. We'll go to the horn pile if you want. But we need to jam about this. I need to know what's going on." He grabs you gently by the wrist, as if you're a lost wiggler, and leads you to your pile of bicycle horns. He sits down with you before looking expectantly toward you, the look on his face a mix of worry and seriousness. You weren't getting out of this one.

You stay silent for a while, looking up occasionally to find your redpop-blooded brother staring you down, waiting for you to start. You give a small sigh before beginning, recounting the conversation with Tavbro and the way it ended. He nodded solemnly and asked how it made you feel, and you stopped to think before trying to put the feelings into words.

"It was like.. like I was lost. I was scared, and really motherfuckin sad. I couldn't move, and I kinda spaced out til you started talkin at me. But it wasn't how I usually space out brother; it was like I was trying to figure out what had happened between me and Tav, but the only thing in my pan were them last two lines he wrote. "I think it would be better if we were just friends." That's the only thought that was up in my pan the whole time I sat there."

Karkat nodded again, as if thinkin things over real hard before speaking. "You're red for him," he said. It wasn't a question, but a statement. "He didn't return the red feelings, that's why you felt the way you did. You're flushed for Tavros."

Gamzee thought it over a little while. Yeah, he did like talkin at his brown-blooded brother, he always had. He was funny, sweeter than Faygo, and they had some wicked slam poetry sessions. Gamzee found himself nodding in agreement, even though he had never really thought about it before. He just assumed Tav was a good friend, and just went with what felt right, whether it be slammin with him or wantin to kiss him.

"I guess that's why I always wanna cuddle him and kiss him, huh?"

"Yeah, you're definitely flushed."

"Mm," Gamzee grunted, nodding his head again. It made sense once he thought about it. He never wanted to do that shit with his other friends, except Karbro in the most palest a ways possible. But it had always been different with Tav, and now he understood why.

"So what do I do brother?"

"You don't have to go telling him right now, alright? You've been through enough shit as it is. Just stay here alright?"

Gamzee layed back, a couple of honks coming from the horns as he layed on em. "Alright Karbro," he answered, and he put an arm around him, pulling him close so they could get their cuddle on. Karkat scratched his head right between his horns, making him give a small, content sigh as he closed his eyes and soon fell back asleep.

Karkat turned toward Gamzee, making sure he was asleep before decapuloguing his husktop and logging onto Trollian.

carcinoGenetecist [CG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]

CG: KARKAT TO TAVROS

CG: COME IN ASSHOLE

CG: HELLO??

CG: GOD DAMMIT

CG: TAVROS YOU'RE THE ONE THAT WANTED ME TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED

CG: ...

CG: *TAVROS!!!*

AT: uH, sORRY, aBOUT THAT,

AT: i WAS ASLEEP,

CG: WHATEVER

CG: I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT GAMZEE'S ALRIGHT

CG: HE ISN'T HURT, HE JUST NEEDED TO JAM A LITTLE

AT: wHAT HAPPENED, tHAT MADE HIM,

AT: aCT SO STRANGE?

CG: SORRY BOY SKYLARK, THAT'S PERSONAL BUSINESS BETWEEN MOIRAILS

AT: aLRIGHT, i GUESS,

AT: i'M GLAD THAT HE'S OK THOUGH }:)

CG: ME TOO

CG: I'LL KEEP YOU POSTED IF ANYTHING HAPPENS

AT: tHANKS AGAIN, kARKAT,

CG: NO PROBLEM

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering adiosToreador [AT]

Karkat put his husktop back before laying back, trying to be as quiet as was possible when you're laying on a pile of bicycle horns. Gamzee turned to him, throwing a lanky arm around his middle and pulling him close, and he relaxed, soon falling asleep in the arms of his moirail.


	4. Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pulls this from the grave after everyone's forgotten about it

You wake with a start, hyperventilating and in a cold sweat, face covered in tears. You don't remember what the fuck the daymare had all been about but you have a feeling it had something to do with Tavros. It leaves you gasping for air for a long time, Karkat shooshing and soothing as best he can while you all out sob, face buried in his warm chest and getting snot and shit all over his nice sweater. You finally calm after what feels like forever, Karkat just shooshing you quietly and rubbing your spine, murmuring sweet nothings into your hearducts. His nubby claws run through your tangled hair, smoothing out the knots and shit while your pusher slows and your sacs settle. You sit in silence for a long fucking time before you can bring yourself to flap your maw and spit words, voice sounding all kinds of foreign and quiet to your own ducts.

"'M sorry, brother," you manage, and he just hugs you closer, leaves a kiss between your horns.

"You have nothing to apologize for, douchebag." He goes all silent and you can practically hear his mind yelling at him, all that self-hate startin up when he realizes he called you that, that he might have hurt your feelings. He starts up on an apology but you reach back without looking, palm landing smack dab in the middle of his forehead.

"Chill bro. It's all motherfuckin chill." He settles and stays silent a while, and so do you.

You don't know how long you sit like that, your head on his lap and his hand in your hair, but eventually you both climb out of the hornpile, Karkat leading you on over to the sit cushions and plopping your bony ass down, sayin somethin about food as he turns a movie on for you and heads to the food preparation block. You hear him rummage and scuffle and clang and curse and can't help but smile, sitting back and watching the motherfuckin movie.

Eventually Karkat comes back in with a shitload of food, shoving it all on the table as you both settle back and eat while you watch some movies, him not even pretending to protest when you snuggle up to a motherfucker for cuddles. You finish eating and he goes to put the shit away and clean up, coming back over and settling down with you. You curl up close, feeling sleepy as all fuck.

Just before you drift you murmur a sleepy "pale for you." You smile when you hear him say the same before you fall the fuck asleep.


	5. Pain

Karkat stays a few nights with you. He makes you eat, makes you sleep. Washes your hair and makes you clean up, wash the misery from your skin. He makes it easy to ignore the problem, when he's curled up makin you feel less alone. He doesn't jam for a while after the first session, lets you all recover and take some time before sittin your ass down and talkin again. He tells you you can't all hide from this shit forever, that sometimes shit ain't all meant to be but who knows, maybe one day you'll find someone new who you love even more then Tav. You doubt it but don't disagree, just give small nod and stay quiet.

He leaves for his hive after a couple nights with you, sayin he's just got to stock up on food for his lusus, grab some clean clothes and shit. He promises he'll be back in a few hours and you let him go, though you want with every bit of you to run after him and cling like a wriggler, to hold tight and not let him leave. You shut the door after him so you don't all try to pull him back.

It's too quiet without Karkat, seemin just a hair colder in the hive without him. You try to ignore the feeling, busyin yourself with washin clothes, cleanin yourself up. You pull on a clean pair of pajama pants and a sweater Karkat left behind, buryin all into it and smellin his scent to make you feel better. You've just finished sealin your paint when you hear a knock on the door, goin over to open it all up, expectin Karkat. Instead Tavros sits in his four-wheel device just a few inches from you, and your digits clench onto the edge of the door so you don't all slam it in his face and run. Your pusher is beatin quick and unsteady, muscles up in your thoracic cavity tightenin up, bile sac seemin to squeeze up and tumble like you're gonna all be sick. You stay silent, not trustin your flap to make sound, and Tavros speaks.

"Uh, hey Gamzee, I just wanted to see how you were doing? I tried to message you.." You don't even all hear what else he spits, blood seemin to pound in your hear ducts, tryin not to break the fuck down. God he's beautiful. You can't all help but stare at his big beautiful brown eyes, the little freckles like stars scattered along his cheeks, the bridge of his nose. You wish you could lean down and kiss his cheek, to hold his pretty face in your hands. You swallow, your throatstem feelin all kinds of dry as he stops speakin, lookin up to you with concern. That look cuts you deep, almost all makes you flinch back but you try your motherfuckin best to stay the fuck still and keep it together.

"Gamzee? Are you okay?"

You almost laugh at the question. You're about as far from okay as a motherfucker could get to bein but you can't all tell him that, can't bring yourself to spit the truth at him no matter how much it hurts not to. You wouldn't be able to take it, makin him feel bad, makin him feel guilty for not lovin you. You can't let him know how bad you're all hurtin.

"I'm fine, bro. All chill as shit up in here," you say a bit too quick, tryin to act normal but feelin wound tight like a string pulled taut, wantin nothing more then to curl up in a dark hole and not come out. But he doesn't question you, don't ask again. You pray he bought it.

"Uh, would you mind if I came in? We can hang out if you want?" he asks, and the thought of tryin to act natural with him for a night is unimaginable. You won't be able to do it, you can't lie to him that long. You almost cut him off with how quick you answer.

"Actually, Karbro's gonna be comin back pretty motherfuckin soon. I was all hopin to chill with him, you know. Maybe some other time," you spit, and his face falls just a little, though he tries to hide it. It stabs at your pusher seein him look like that but you stay silent.

"Oh. Okay. Uh, I'll see you later then. Bye Gamzee," he says, starting to turn around toward the sand, Aradia flyin overhead, comin closer to your hive. So that's how he all got here.

"Bye Tav," you answer, voice a little quiet as you shut the door behind you. You slide down and sit with your back to the door, listening as Aradia lands, says something to Tav, they talk a little before their voices fade, and soon it's silent again. You wait a few more minutes, makin sure they're gone before goin to the horn pile, burrowin deep into the middle, and sobbin like a fuckin wriggler.


End file.
